May those whose hell it is
To hate and hurt
Be turned into lovers
Bringing flowers.

Shantideva, Eighth-century Indian Buddhist teacher.

In his book The Five Things We Cannot Change ... and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them, David Richo discusses the concepts of Retribution and Restoration.  He points out that restoration (vs. retaliation) leads to closeness between the wounded and wounding people.  He suggests using dialog instead of running from the conflict.  He states that as adults we should know that losses happen sometimes and that we can survive them.  A spiritually evolved adult, says Richo, "is not satisfied with the glee of retaliation but wants the joy of loving-kindness. ...  The healthy psyche is inherently geared to release compassion when it sees pain and defeat, just as it releases forgiveness when it sees repentance."  He defines repentance as contrition, amends, and a commitment to not repeat the offense. 

Richo lists the following attributes of Retribution and Restoration (pages 37-38):

    The world would be a much better place if we could practice restoration instead of retribution.  This is what mediators attempt to do. 

MARITAL SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT CHECKLIST　

FACTUAL RECITALS

Identity of parties and minor children

Statistical facts of marriage

Dissolution proceeding contemplated or filed

Each party's employment (or, in the case of an unemployed party, employment background, skills, etc.)

Each party's current earnings

Each party's age

Health of parties

Finality of agreement, or issues left unresolved

PROPERTY DISPOSITIONS

Identity, value and disposition of community and quasi-community property

Identity, value and disposition of noncommunity property joint tenancy and tenancy in common interests

Confirmation of each spouse's separate property interests

REA waivers (waiver of survivorship benefit rights in other spouse's ERISA pension)

Waiver of rights in deceased spouse's estate

Sale of property (and/or deferred sale re, e.g., "family home award")

Warranty: disclosure of property

Warranty: value of property

After-discovered property

Disposition of furnishings and personal effects

Allocation of debt responsibility; "hold harmless" clauses

REIMBURSEMENT CLAIMS

SP contributions to the "acquisition" of CP

Payments on debts

Property improvement payments

Contributions to education and training　

CUSTODY AND VISITATION

Sole custody (legal and/or physical)

Joint custody (legal and/or physical)

Other custody arrangement: shared custody; split custody

Reasonable visitation; or defined visitation

Removal of child from jurisdiction– State, County of Monterey

Child's surname

CHILD SUPPORT

Guideline minimum child support requirements

Spouses' recognition of guideline limitations where agreement is for less than the mandatory minimum

"Family home award" as component of child support

Payment schedule": weekly, monthly, or other; when payments under agreement shall commence

Duration of child support (effect of emancipation or adulthood)

Special support considerations: health insurance, medical and dental payments; special educational needs, etc.

Right to claim dependency exemption; waiver of exemption by custodial parent

Agreement to support adult children

SPOUSAL SUPPORT

Amount of support

Payment schedule: weekly, monthly, or other; when payments under agreement to commence

Combined spousal and child support option ("family support")

Payment of debts as payment of support

Satisfaction of state and federal tax requirements for deductibility to payor

Modifiability of spousal support

Duration of support; reservation of jurisdiction

Waiver of spousal support

Pendente lite support

FEES AND COSTS

Attorneys'/mediator’s fees and costs of litigation

Experts' fees

Costs

TAX PROVISIONS

Tax returns (separate or joint returns during the separation period?)

Tax refunds and deficiencies; indemnification provisions

Allocation of dependency exemption

Designation of spousal support as nonincludible, nondeductible for federal tax purposes

GENERAL PROVISIONS

Effect of reconciliation

Effect of invalidity

Law applicable

Mutual releases

Modification, revocation or termination of agreement

Costs of enforcement; waiver of costs of enforcement

Execution of instruments

Execution formalities (notary, recordation, etc.)

Effective date of agreement

Independent legal representation (or acknowledgment of voluntary and knowing refusal to obtain independent legal advice

Persons bound

Parties

Counsel

General Instructions for Dissolution Cases. 

Joint Tenancy Assets. If you hold property in joint tenancy with your spouse, your spouse will automatically succeed to your interest in that property if you die first. You may wish to convert such joint tenancy assets into tenancy in common ownership (upon proper notice and procedures). This will destroy the automatic right to succeed to your interest in that property on your death, and will ensure that the property passes under your will or to those entitled by law if you died without a will. You should also be aware that there may be state and federal tax consequences involved in determining whether or not to change an asset from joint tenancy to tenancy in common.

Estate Planning. If you have a will or trust, it may not be affected by any action in the dissolution of your marriage. Further, any such will or trust will not necessarily be affected by any judgment entered by the court in this matter. You may wish to consider making a new will, or at least revoking the current will.

Creditors. You should be aware that you will continue to be liable to third persons from whom you and your spouse have obtained credit for all sums now outstanding. This holds true even if the court later orders your spouse to make all payments due to that creditor, for the court cannot in this proceeding cut off or materially affect the rights of existing creditors nor force the creditor to look exclusively to your spouse for payment.

This applies to those creditors you have lines of credit with, for example, (1) Charge card companies, (2) banks at which you have lines of credit or to whom you have given continuing guarantees, and (3) others whom you or your spouse have dealt within the past in such manner as to give them the impression that either spouse can commit the other to a transaction. An example of this group would be landlords and suppliers of goods and services. All such persons or firms will usually have the right to assume until they are informed to the contrary that each of you continues to be responsible for all debts incurred by the other. For example, your spouse may continue to charge on accounts, even if restrained from doing so by the court, and you will still be bound and required to pay the creditor. Therefore, you should take action immediately to notify all creditors by both telephone and then in writing that you will not be responsible for future charges or debts incurred by your spouse. Keep a record of the communications with your creditors, including the date and to whom you have directed your communications. Please note all applicable account numbers on your correspondence to creditors and use certified mail, return receipt requested when possible. If you need assistance, please notify an attorney immediately.

Beneficiaries. It is advisable to change the beneficiaries on your life insurance before you are restrained by the court (when you file your divorce or are served with divorce papers). You may wish to consider checking the beneficiaries on your life insurance policies at this time to determine the present status. This also applies to retirement plans or other "fringe benefits" at your place of employment.

Closing Accounts. To avoid possible embarrassment to your spouse and increased friction in your relations with your spouse, you should let him or her know what accounts and credit lines you are closing. Also, prior to separation, if you have not yet separated, secure your account records, notes, stocks and bonds and all other important documents which relate to your case. If you close accounts or have a large sum of cash, be safe and put such money in personal traveler's cheques.

Separate Monies. It is important that separate property monies you receive in the future be kept separate and identifiable. If you receive monies from earnings after separation, or from another separate property source (e.g., from the sale of an asset you owned before marriage, or from a gift or inheritance), keep them in a new account in your name only. The reason for this is that when separate property is mixed with community property the entire fund may be deemed community property. Certain monies or property received after separation may also be community property.

Separate Property. To the greatest extent possible, pay all debts on separate property from separate property sources. For example, if you own a separate property piece of real estate with a mortgage thereon, make the payments from post separation earnings. This will assist in maintaining the position that the asset is, and remains separate property.

Debra Crawford Annis
Law & Mediation Offices
www.DebraCrawfordAnnis.com

Click here for printable form. 

Divorce Flow Chart. 

Some of the most common questions I receive are about the divorce process and how it works.  Here is a Divorce Flow Chart that illustrates the paperwork needed and the divorce process.  This chart shows what documents are needed at each stage of your divorce proceedings. 

Debra Crawford Annis
Divorce Flow Chart

Emotional Bullshit - Dr. Alasko. 
After all these years of practicing family law on the Monterey Peninsula, I just ran across local psychotherapist, Dr. Alasko’s, book Emotional Bullshit, thanks to a client who had great success with Dr. Alasko. In Emotional Bullshit, Dr. Alasko states that Emotional Bullshit in a relationship consists of the toxic trio: Denial, Delusion, and Blame. He postulates that Emotional Bullshit "always involves a manipulation of truth and a distortion of reality." The purposes of Emotional Bullshit set forth by Dr.Alasko are to:

1) gain advantage or power and increase status;
2) look better or smarter and outwit the competition;
3) avoid conflict and the discomfort of a confrontation;
4) find the fastest, easiest way toward security and gratification;
5) keep from being held accountable when things fall apart; and
6) avoid the negative emotions of anxiety, anger, pain, and fear.

Dr. Alasko points out that people are deceived into believing that it actually works to use deception and distortion to escape the four negative feelings – anxiety, anger, pain, and fear. The solution to Emotional BS is for you to take care of your own core needs so that you can serve the long-term best interest of yourself and those around you. To do so, we must overcome the immediate gratification of "easy fixes and emotional manipulative behaviors" and find what we really need. You must "understand and fulfill your core needs."

The toxic trio – delusion, denial, and blame – work together and fill a relationship with toxic, negative energy. This results in an increase of the harmful emotions, anxiety, anger, fear, and pain.

Dr.Alasko states the toxic trio express themselves in the following ways:

Denial: ignores or minimizes an essential fact – or a responsibity.
Delusion: creates an alternative, more favorable, reality. And then when things fall apart,
Blame: shifts the responsibility onto someone or something else.

The toxic trio works in unison as follows:

1. First an essential fact is denied, then
2. Delusion creates an alternate reality, then
3. Blame shifts the responsibility for the problem.

Dr. Alasko elucidates that the circularity of the process makes Emotional BS so difficult to spot and even more difficult to stop. "The toxic trio are like an armored sphere that offers no corners or angles. If you challenge the missing fact, the sphere shifts position and a delusional version of reality will be presented. More confrontation brings on a barrage of blame, followed by more denial, etc."

Emotional Bullshit is a "must read" for anyone who recognizes the existence of the toxic trio in their relationships. Dr. Alasko uses life stories to show how the process works and presents a solution to the never ending loop.

If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, order Dr. Alasko’s book now!

Invisible Step-parent? I’m writing an article inspired by a client about how step parents often feel invisible. If you have any experiences you’d like to share for my article please let me know either by posting or emailing me at Debra@DebraCrawfordAnnis.com. Also, please let me know if you’d like to be anonymous. I’ve felt this way myself and am very interested in other people’s experiences. I’m also interested in what happened to resolve these feelings if they have been resolved. Thank you!!!!

DEBRA CRAWFORD ANNIS

LAW & MEDIATION OFFICES
CRAWFORD ANNIS & CRAWFORD
Monterey, CA


EGO DEFENSE MECHANISMS

DENIAL:   Denying an event is happening. The client acts as though nothing is occurring.

TRANSFERENCE:   Transferring feelings from an earlier powerful relationship with a figure from the past, such as a parent, to someone, such as an attorney, in the present.

ACTING OUT:   Translating the feeling into behavior.

COMPENSATION:   Making up for feelings of inferiority in one area by becoming excessively competent in another area.

RATIONALIZATION:   Giving a rational reason to behavior which is performed for another unconsciously unacceptable reason.

PROJECTION:   Attributing an emotion to another which is really felt by the client.

REPRESSION:   Keeping a thought, feeling or impulse at an unconscious level.

ATONEMENT:   Making up for an unacceptable act by performing a good act.

SUBLIMATION:   Expressing "taboo" or forbidden impulses through creative channels.

DISPLACEMENT:   Expressing a forbidden feeling one has about a powerful figure towards a less powerful, safer object.

FANTASY:   Engaging in fantasy to overcome an assault to self esteem.

REACTION FORMATION:   Acting in a way directly opposite to the unconscious impulse, or feeling.

REGRESSION:   Reverting to behavior characteristic of an earlier, less mature stage of development.

COUNTERTRANSFERENCE:   Transferring feelings by the attorney/therapist to patient/client. The professional may be responding to transference on the part of the client/patient, or may be responding to an earlier figure from the professional's past, e.g., the professional's ex-spouse.

Click here for printable page. 

Debra Crawford Annis
Family Law/Divorce Attorney & Mediator
Monterey, CA

Child Custody Guidelines

    I continue to be amazed at the lengths to which some parents will go to hurt the other parent.  The most heinous examples involve using their children to hurt the other parent.  I have long been a proponent of putting the children first.  Some guidelines adapted from various child awareness programs follow.  Parents can create a safer, more secure and harmonious environment for their children by following these suggested guidelines:

1.    Refrain from saying anything of a derogatory nature about the other parent in the presence of the child(ren).

2.    Refrain from bringing up past grievances regarding the other parent to the child(ren).

3.    Refrain from discussing financial and legal issues and disputes with child(ren).

4.    Refrain from saying anything which might discourage the child(ren) from spending time with the other parent, and from pressuring the child(ren) to take sides against the other parent.

5.    Spend as much time as possible with the child(ren) during the time you are responsible for them.

6.    Carefully avoid scheduling or arranging activities for the child(ren) which are likely to conflict with any time period allocated to the other parent.

7.    In the event that you are unable to keep the scheduled arrangements with the child(ren) on a given occasion, notify the other parent at the earliest possible opportunity.

8.    Arrange ahead of time for both parents to be authorized in writing in case of emergency to take any and all actions necessary to protect the health and welfare of the child(ren).

9.     Keep the other parent advised at all times of your current residence address, telephone numbers (home and work), your child(ren)'s school or child care facility, and the location where your child(ren) will be spending any extended period of time (four days or more). This information is not to be used for the purpose of harassing or annoying each other in any way, but in case of emergency.

10.    Since it is both frightening and damaging for children to be exposed to violence and parental conflict, avoid arguments, fights, and threats in the presence of the child(ren).

11.    Since child(ren) need to be able to depend on and to trust both parents, keep the agreements and promises you have made to the other parent and to your child(ren). This means being reliable about keeping appointments and schedules, being prompt, and not making promises to children that you cannot keep.

12.    Cooperate fully, not only in carrying out the written terms of your court order or agreement, but in living up to the underlying spirit of the order as well.

13.    For your child(ren)'s sake, make a special effort to set aside your personal feelings toward the other parent and maintain an attitude of tolerance, flexibility and good faith.

Debra Crawford Annis - Law & Mediation Offices
Family Law/Divorce Attorney & Mediator
Monterey, CA

Click here for printable form. 

Debra@CalDivorce123.com; www.CalDivorce123.com

The Anatomy of a Divorce

I. Psychological Divorce.  The psychological divorce consists of one or both of the partners beginning to think of himself or herself separately from the relationship. This eventually signifies an end of emotional ties to the other partner. This divorce generally occurs before the legal divorce. Until the psychological divorce is complete, the partners are still enmeshed and resolution of the legal divorce (especially child custody and personal property division) is difficult.

II. Social Divorce.  The social divorce consists of a number of stages through which the family members pass. In her book Mom’s House, Dad’s House, Isolina Ricci has set forth several stages through which the family members pass in the divorce process.

Stage 1: Both parents are living together. The is the traditional nuclear family.

Stage 2: The family experiences a period of tension caused by some change in the family system or some change in the relationship. All families go through this stage and most families oscillate between Stages 1 and 2 throughout the history of their relationship.

Stage 3: The family is undergoing severe stress. Communication has broken down between family members. One of the partners may have already undergone a psychological divorce, but has not taken official steps either through separation or contacting an attorney. During this stage many families seek professional counseling and often move back to Stages 1 and 2.

Stage 4: This stage involves the actual physical separation where one of the partners moves out of the family home. This move is always extremely traumatic for the whole family. No matter how "psychologically divorced" a person may be, the very changing of the physical structure of a family causes enormous stresses for all individuals. Questions of economics, future parenting, possession of property and the whole nature of the family are brought up for immediate solution.

(According to one study, 80% of children going through divorces just wake up one morning and one of the most significant persons in their lives has moved out.)
Stage 5: One or both of the partners contacts an attorney for legal representation to protect their interests if they haven’t done so already. Children are generally very poorly prepared for this stage and this event causes enormous stress for the children.

Stage 6: This stage consists of the beginning of adjustment. Two homes are established, but the family members have not yet adopted new patterns of living. This stage is often the one associated with the greatest degree of conflict and confusion in the divorce process.

Stage 7: This final stage of the social divorce process involves the creation of two new homes. Frequently, both parents have remarried and settled into a comfortable routine. Parents feel satisfied with their lives and are able to refocus their energies as parents and in their personal lives.

Unfortunately, many families do not ever arrive at stage 7.

III. Legal Divorce.   The legal divorce is where this office plays the largest part in your divorce. In this aspect of divorce, the rights and responsibilities of the parties are defined through the legal process. Either the parties or the Court decide the issues: custody, support, property rights, etc. We encourage mediation where the parties are in charge of these decisions.

Click here for Printable Form

Debra Crawford Annis
Monterey, CA
Family Law/Divorce Attorney