After all these years of practicing family law on the Monterey Peninsula, I just ran across local psychotherapist, Dr. Alasko’s, book Emotional Bullshit, thanks to a client who had great success with Dr. Alasko. In Emotional Bullshit, Dr. Alasko states that Emotional Bullshit in a relationship consists of the toxic trio: Denial, Delusion, and Blame. He postulates that Emotional Bullshit "always involves a manipulation of truth and a distortion of reality." The purposes of Emotional Bullshit set forth by Dr.Alasko are to:
1) gain advantage or power and increase status;
2) look better or smarter and outwit the competition;
3) avoid conflict and the discomfort of a confrontation;
4) find the fastest, easiest way toward security and gratification;
5) keep from being held accountable when things fall apart; and
6) avoid the negative emotions of anxiety, anger, pain, and fear.
Dr. Alasko points out that people are deceived into believing that it actually works to use deception and distortion to escape the four negative feelings – anxiety, anger, pain, and fear. The solution to Emotional BS is for you to take care of your own core needs so that you can serve the long-term best interest of yourself and those around you. To do so, we must overcome the immediate gratification of "easy fixes and emotional manipulative behaviors" and find what we really need. You must "understand and fulfill your core needs."
The toxic trio – delusion, denial, and blame – work together and fill a relationship with toxic, negative energy. This results in an increase of the harmful emotions, anxiety, anger, fear, and pain.
Dr.Alasko states the toxic trio express themselves in the following ways:
Denial: ignores or minimizes an essential fact – or a responsibity.
Delusion: creates an alternative, more favorable, reality. And then when things fall apart,
Blame: shifts the responsibility onto someone or something else.
The toxic trio works in unison as follows:
1. First an essential fact is denied, then
2. Delusion creates an alternate reality, then
3. Blame shifts the responsibility for the problem.
Dr. Alasko elucidates that the circularity of the process makes Emotional BS so difficult to spot and even more difficult to stop. "The toxic trio are like an armored sphere that offers no corners or angles. If you challenge the missing fact, the sphere shifts position and a delusional version of reality will be presented. More confrontation brings on a barrage of blame, followed by more denial, etc."
Emotional Bullshit is a "must read" for anyone who recognizes the existence of the toxic trio in their relationships. Dr. Alasko uses life stories to show how the process works and presents a solution to the never ending loop.
If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, order Dr. Alasko’s book now!